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Friday
Nov162012

The Empty Eye - Part Two

Thanks to everyone who grabbed part one. We've gotten some great feedback and are excited to keep right on going. So here's part two, where we get to see where the hell Enterprise went...

Scroll down to check out the first part of the story, or to get a few links that'll explain the project just in case you're new. And don't forget to like us on Facebook.

Here's another character design from our latest artist, Royce "FooRay" Southerland. Click to make it bigger. More to come!

 

References (4)

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Reader Comments (12)

Just read it, great chapter. Although I noticed you changed the format of the letters.

November 16, 2012 | Unregistered Commenterbatty

There's a problem with the font that I can't fix until I get home tonight. But I didn't want to wait and post it late, so this version is up for now and a fixed-font version will replace it later tonight.

November 16, 2012 | Registered CommenterDoug

I think the font problem's been fixed.

November 16, 2012 | Registered CommenterDoug

There's another font problem. As in the script isn't there anymore.

I know, I'm clever.

November 16, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterKenny Madison

Whoa! Thanks, things got weird for a moment as the link worked perfectly on my home machine. Should be back now.

November 17, 2012 | Registered CommenterDoug

Very good, I loved it. Although I would like to know when the storyboards (or the pictures) will come.

November 18, 2012 | Unregistered Commenterbatty

Storyboards for part one will probably be up next month sometime. They were a late addition and take a lot of time to do right.

November 18, 2012 | Registered CommenterDoug

I said it once, I'll say it again, I prefer your concept to the reboot. It´s much more original. And originality is something that is lacking these days where we have nothing but remakes and reboots.

November 22, 2012 | Unregistered Commenterbatty

I love how Donal's phasers look, far more squared off and clean, with more possible depth on the lower rearward extension, and over all more business like, like the ship concepts; they're much better than in Chase's picture, with it looking like an oval, and the aperture looking like a reticule.

It gives me an idea, what if it had a classic phaser array in the muzzle, just two inches tall? Although, you would have to contend with a hand gun with the accuracy of a sniper rifle, and the ability to shoot at multiple targets simultaneous, but that sounds like an advantage to me. Additionally, the trigger guard could be morphing, so it is normally a full guard, and retracts unto a nub when wearing gloves, otherwise there isn't much reason to have a guard nub; besides, Trek weapons tend to not have them. Also, controls could be put under the thumb, instead of the back extension, so a second hand isn't required to make common adjustments. The gun could be drawn as modular, so the controls can be switched to either side. Lastly, the near vertical bit and the top of the extension could completely be a touch screen, used for long range aiming, and tricorder like functions; not that it would supersede a dedicated tricorder.

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v334/MajorD/Clipboard01.png

The tricorder concept isn't mine, it was offered to Star Trek Excalibur, the fan game, by someone named Matt, but, very unfortunately, rejected in detail, though, not over all form.
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v334/MajorD/ST%20Non-Canon/tricorder-excalibur-concept1.jpg
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v334/MajorD/ST%20Non-Canon/tricorder-excalibur-concept3.jpg

I'm not a fan of the layered shoulders, but I do still like the concept of a field uniform which is different from the deck uniform, and I love everything else about the uniform.

November 29, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterMajorD

I got around to reading part 2. I like it.

I don't know Jax's background, but considering the more military nature of the show, it makes more sense to me that she would fire immediately, at least with stun, to show she has some ingrained training. If she isn't security, then she could keep firing stun shots, to absolutely no effect, and as she retreats while firing without looking, she trips and drops the phaser, only to be saved by the others. Once saved, she calms down and realized she should have switched settings, but unlike a security officer, it wasn't an automatic response for her. It wouldn't even bear an expository line, just a chagrined look at her phaser as she adjusts the setting to a higher stun, as she stands in the background! Just a thought.

EXT. ALIEN PLANET - DAY
Oddly-colored rocks and crystals littered around multiple
cave entrances. The ENTIRE CREW of the U.S.S.

Interesting, at this moment, it occurs to me Donal and Jax must have been beamed into the sphere. I feel I should have realized it sooner; it's an entertaining twist.

It tastes like licking a ruptured
phaser cell.

A phaser cell holds absurd amounts of energy. In one episode of the original series, Spock achieves orbit by powering a shuttle with several phasers. Licking a ruptured cell would not just electrocute you, but make you explode, if it didn't already short out and blow up on its own. You're also implying a relationship to contemporary batteries, which, I just can't agree with, especially since they're mentioned to use fictional chemicals in TNG, and Enterprise.

The alkalinity to indicate transport seems unnecessary to me, since they pretty much had to have been beamed where ever they are; it should be self evident. Such a reaction, even on a miniscule level, in conventional transport sounds potentially very dangerous. It doesn't really make sense either, since I think it implies a weird, uncontrolled, alchemy, which should be trivial for a transporter to control.

Wouldn't it just be simpler to have someone just wonder out load, "why did we get transported here?" It's an assumption by the asker, but not a big one.

CHASE
Let’s hope this one speaks
universal translator.

Seem like an odd turn of phrase.
CHASE
Excuse us a moment.

I really like that they talk in private, it's very professional.

It would be interesting to make it so Zero never touches interfaces to use them, but simply communicates with radio or subspace. It could be shown by having computers always display whatever Zero is talking about, without any prompting, and for Zero to always know what the computer knows, given the right context.

I'm pretty sure neutrino sensors are standard on Trek ships, so I wouldn't be surprised at that being the case on the shuttles too, especially given it is the Trek future. I vaguely remember something about a tricorder detecting neutrinos. The neutrino idea is also an extremely good one.

like silver moss

Very cool.

Very cool end to this part, too. Very cliff hangery, and exciting! Looks like I was wrong about being inside the sphere; I like that I didn't predict that correctly. If they really are beamed over, I don't really see the point of the phase cloak connection.

December 1, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterMajorD

It's really interesting to read your comments on this thing, especially going from part to part.

The alkalinity thing is there to provide a way for our characters to figure out they've been transported. It lets them discover it themselves rather than it simply being assumed or outright stated for the reader. And as for Jax's joke about the ruptured phaser cell, it's really just there for humor. Perhaps in this future the phaser batteries are built differently and you can lick one without exploding.

I really like your idea for Zero's computer interactions. We might steal it. The problem with Zero is that we never got around to a final design for him. In my head, he's something totally different than he probably is in my partners' heads. In fact in my head he has no arms and uses some kind of tractor beam-like tech to manipulate things. So tools and stuff just float around him. The good thing about this being script-only is that we can just leave it up to the imagination. We will probably get around to working with an artist and coming up with a design. Some day.

There is an original outline for this story where they actually are beamed inside the sphere. I ended up going in a different direction with it.

Thanks again for the comments.

December 1, 2012 | Registered CommenterDoug

I don't see how a group who should take teleportation for granted couldn't jump to teleportation as the solution for how they're moved, even though it actually sounds like too simplistic a solution for being on a planet, despite there, presumably, being no planets near the ship. It would be pretty funny for someone to assume the beaming concept, only to be shot down, and later have it confirmed.

Having let the script sink in a little, having read up to only part two, I don't actually see how them knowing they were teleported is actually important to the plot, especially considering the guy they find tells them everything they need to know just a minute later. I would actually expect the most likely reaction from Chase, regardless of beaming clues, or assumptions, being, "if there is a way in, there is a way out. Form teams to explore the surroundings."

I can't buy that change in the cell tech, but I could buy her joke falling flat with the others, which would be funny.

Please, steal away. You can lock an arm in a position without constantly using power, while a tractor beam could have greater lift capacity, making both useful. Remember the exocomps?
http://en.memory-alpha.org/wiki/Exocomp

Little flying repair bots, with sentient AI, and a replicator on the nose. You could give Zero a single appendage, perhaps a pseudopod, with a replicator tip/hard point for making, and dissolving, tools, and holding those tools in place, as needed. It would be indispensable for reaching into tight spaces, and behind objects which the tractor beam cannot move. Being a very small replicator, it could replicate just about anything which Zero has the pattern for, but do so like an open air 3D printer, or in reverse like a CnC machine, using the replicator to dissolve matter. I can imagine Zero replicating a cable as if he had it spooled up inside his arm. It would also make a nasty melee weapon, even without a blade or phaser being replicated.
http://www.makerbot.com/
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=3o6pcbhylmQ#t=110s

If you went with that, it would make sense for Zero to carry data storage dedicated to, what's a good number, a few thousand indispensable items on an isolinear chip, as well as a kilogram or so of spare replicator goo. He could also have a few always ready to go items on a belt, or just stuck to his chassis. Because of Zero's affinity for tech, he could make new designs on the fly. His only limit would be having the right elements in stock, and power, since replication takes a lot.

December 2, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterMajorD

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