« Happy New Year! | Main | The Empty Eye - Part Three »
Friday
Nov302012

The Empty Eye - Part Four

It's the thrilling conclusion to our first episode, as Chase and crew try to get the hell off this alien rock and back home to Earl Grey tea and Parrises Squares. Scroll down for the previous three parts if you're not caught up yet, or click below to read the new script...

And here's some Holden art. If you'd like to check out more of FooRay's art, stuff that's got nothing to do with this project, go check out his website.

Thanks for reading our first script. We'll be taking next week off, probably just posting a piece of art and perhaps the collected script for The Empty Eye. If our schedule holds together, we'll be back the week after with a whole new adventure! We've also got storyboards for this first script coming soon. We'd love to hear your feedback on this first story below, and are happy to answer any questions you may have.

Reader Comments (8)

Just read it. Excellent conclusion. Noticed one thing, though. This Enterprise is over 60 years old, which means she has been around for longer than any of the Enterprises that came before her, including the original.

November 30, 2012 | Unregistered Commenterbatty

Sixty years old? Where did you get that from? I'm digging through our stuff and don't see an age on the ship anywhere.

November 30, 2012 | Registered CommenterDoug

Well, I read in the series proposal that the series passes sixty years after the end of the second Federarion-Romulan war and that the Enterprise fought in the war.

December 1, 2012 | Unregistered Commenterbatty

That's when the series takes place, but this Enterprise didn't fight in the war. She was built long after it ended. I am looking for a reference that indicates the ship was in the war but can't find it. If you point it out to me I'll fix it.

December 1, 2012 | Registered CommenterDoug

I couldn't wait for this installment and it did not disappoint. Gonna have a hard time waiting for more. I hope we see more of Yara soon.

December 1, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterOptimus4

I'm still enjoying this, and I like that holographic tricorder; although, i still think it could use a virtual window style display, if it doesn't already have one. No physical buttons, it's so 20th century! :)


He raises his rifle and FIRES.

It finally occurred to me just now, why do so many of the Starfleet personnel have weapons? I can see security arming themselves the moment Enterprise raised shields, but that's as far as it goes. The fewer people who are armed, the more interesting the situation might be.

Also, why aren't they using the kill setting? A few lines later, one of them gets stabbed with a spear, which actually seems worse than getting tagged with a kill shot. With a single phaser, a thousand bug aliens aught to be easy work, as long as they're shot down from far enough away. The bugs should have to come in low, fast, and in the thousands to really be a challenge to a bunch of guys with phasers. Besides, it makes it more epic if that's the case, and if the Starfleet guys don't blink at the situation.

HOLDEN
Matter transporters. If we can get
a few people inside the ship, they
can beam everyone else onboard in
an instant.

I just realized a super easy out for the situation. With any communicator, or tricorder, any Starfleet officer could just tell the ship to beam them all aboard, from anywhere on the planet. In fact, I completely forgot, Chase's very first action should have been to try to contact the ship, and that should have been pretty much everyone's first reaction. Or, am I already forgetting everything from part 2? The easy way around that are jamming, and transporter inhibitors. Actually, if you let them talk to the ship so they know it's there right from the start, it really doesn't change anything, but if you use the transporter inhibitors, then nothing still changes, but everything is tighter.

CHASE
How many sets of redshirt armor do
we have?
HOLDEN
Four. Rochard and her squad were
running maneuvering drills when we
were taken.

ROFL!

That also explains the weaponry perfectly.

I'm surpised the suits don't give full flight, or at least the strength of a hundred Datas, or have some sort of crazy fine cable for climbing, with an anti-grav robot hook at the end for attaching to stuff.

CHASE
I’m not worried about that. We’ve
got our best guy on it.

His confidence made me smile.

CHASE
We cannot risk tainting the natural
order of this region.

It's a disappointing response. That's not a complaint, it fits, it's right, it's just disappointing. However, I do like the following lines related to that.

I know it's supposed to be like TOS, but it feels wrong that Chase would take the armor from one of the security gues, instead of keepign the team intact to carry out the mission. Or, did I misread the preceding talk about the armor?

Instead of flashlights, it would be far more interesting for the armor to have helmets, which can vacuum seal, and which provide pseudo-daylight composite images from all of the badnwidths and energies in the environment, with an option to work actively when stealth isn't an issue. Basically, a tricorder on your head, which links to your phaser, so you can hip fire as accurately as if you were holding it to your shoulder. It would also let you hold the phaser around a corner and see what it is pointing at. :) No glowing face masks though; I wouldn't want to be shot in the face. :D

One last thing. There's this non-chemical, non-mechanical method for bonding stuff, using artificial geko hair. It can hold thousands of pounds per square inch, yet release with almost no force. It would be great for climbing stuff, and as an alternative to pockets.

December 2, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterMajorD

I'll never learn not to post late at night, despite it having lead me to post my part 3 response under part 4. At least this response will be placed correctly.

With access to the fire system, Zero could reprogram the system so every display shows directions to the bridge, and why going to the bridge is needed; then he could activate it all by putting the system into a drill.

I feel like Chase shouldn't have to tell the others what to do just before they jump for the ship, that they should just know, because it's in their training, and because he told them the main goal already, which is all they should really need. Also, that their suits should have forcefields that can turn into parachutes; or self retracting/deploying fabric which turns into a glider, like Batman's cape (best solution); or antigravity for the same effect, like Spock's boots; or the ability to just take that sort of landing without killing the wearer, like how Data jumped off that cliff into a pit with his mother, and survived just fine.

Saying the drone has shields could be shortened to "Shields!", which would tell the others to go to a setting higher than kill. That could be said as he simultaneously increases his phaser setting to something past kill, and takes a second shot. Since it should actually be easy to hit such drones, it might be better to add a few more, and have an ignored drone be the one which nearly gets Chase. That way, Yara has much better reason to risk himself. That way, everyone is more exciting. However, I don't think they should split up, I think they should either move as a team to inside the ship, in order to keep their firepower up, or move in a leap frog pattern, to alternate in giving cover.

CHASE
No, you’ll hit him.
I would have preferred him trusting her judgement on the shot, or just saying not to take the shot, without qualifying why, or encouraging her with, "take the shot, if you can." The current way sounds like mistrust of her ability.

I suddenly recalled the drone was shielded, so there should be no way Yara can wrestle with the thing. In fact, it could just pull its shield tight, and expand it to get anything off it without any trouble. His spear would have to be some sort of fancy shield piercing tech spear. He should have really landed on the drone, spear first, or have thrown the spear from above, which would have been cooler. Out of no where, a spear is just in the drone, and you look up to see Yara hopping down. No slow power down: one moment it is on, the next it's off. But, that would be inconsistent with dodging phaser shots, since spears and people are slower than phaser shots, and phaser beams can be swept; that's why using more drones, which get shot more easily, would be good; after all, they're repair drones, not combat drones. Or, go with the shield push off, and have the drone immediately shot.

The hatch bombs would be better as automatic. *cla--BOOM!*

With Chase on board, he should be ordering the corridors, by voice, to erect forcfields and increase gravity behind them. He could quickly realize he can order the ship to beam the drones off, without needing to go to the transporter room, only for more drones to board, and attack the transporters. Then he orders the shuttles to beam them away, and so it repeats. But, it all buys time. Or, better, he raises shields on the whole ship almost the moment he is aboard, and does the expansion thing, but it traps a bunch of drones inside, leading to beaming off drones, and attacks on the transporters. So, he switches to using the transporters of the shuttles, by voice command, which saves the main transporters.

I forgot the fire suppression system. The explosion's fire's should have been quickly stopped by the system, by way of fire suppressing lightning bolt. It happened in an episode of TNG where they rescue rustic space Irish. The act would leave a note which Zero would, and his pal would see, rather than the fire itself. Or, if they're really on the ball, they'll see the explosion.

So, I see he does think of the shields after he is trapped. He really needs to have thought of this before he gets into the ship. It'll show how good a strategist and tactician he is.

Every time a drone would absorb a hit, just add one more drone to the scene.

Voyager, and the E-D both beamed over several hundred people in a single beaming, so the whole crew could be beamed over in one shot. Having only one transporter room left would explain the limited beaming.

It would be very cool to see some of the drones getting completely crushed between the Enterprise shields, the ground, and other structures. See their little shields pop like soap bubbles.

I think it would be funnier to have the remaining drones, calmly, and systematically cut at the Enterprise's shield with their beams, for no effect.

The same quarters Donal saw being torn apart. A REPAIR TEAM
is busy fixing the wall, welding plates in place.

You could have little drones which just replicate new walls in place, and monitored by a single engineer with a PADD.

I was partially expecting Chase to secretly beam a crate of phasers out with Yara. But, giving his pistol is pretty good.

The only thing I'm left thinking, other than enjoying the script is, rather than Yara saying it was an honor, which seems like a Trek cliche, couldn't he say something which fits more with his earlier characterization of simply following the golden rule? Such as, "It was the right thing to do." How he emotes that could either show appreciation for the secret gift, or acceptance of not gaining anything but a job well done, depending on timing.

December 2, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterMajorD

This was a lot of fun, and much more like Star Trek than most other attempts to revitalize the franchise. I like the restoration of ideals, and the stories really move. This would definitely get me in front of the TV or the DVD store or the YouTube channel or whatever hypothetical distribution CBS would be into.

A couple of minor comments:

First, I like the idea of an older ship mentioned above, whether or not it was intended. Inside the universe, it would remind everyone that the Federation has fallen behind and its priorities have shifted. Outside the universe, it reminds us that Paramount has been much more interested in recycling and resurrecting details (providing "origin stories," especially) and the spectacle of warfare than in the social issues that made Star Trek interesting.

Second, picking up off that last part, I would love to see how the Final Frontier crew would handle suitably-disguised issues from the modern world. Those are the early episodes, even when the writing was bland and the acting hammy, that people can identify and remember. Casual viewers know about the caveman that memorized the Declaration of Independence, not Spock's father.

Frankly talking about racism, religion, or socialism was a big deal, and I think that's what Star Trek has really lost, except for a handful of Deep Space Nine episodes that were eerily a few years ahead of their time. That's the tire I'd most like to kick, anyway.

December 7, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterJohn

PostPost a New Comment

Enter your information below to add a new comment.

My response is on my own website »
Author Email (optional):
Author URL (optional):
Post:
 
Some HTML allowed: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <code> <em> <i> <strike> <strong>